RE-ENTRY

And they are back. Suddenly, the wide open seas and skies and the unpunctuated time has shifted with the arrival of the resident males. There is scurrying about to catch up with mundane affairs like bills and vehicles and minor fixes and the pressured rush of words to try to communicate the events and evolutions that have occurred over the 5 week hiatus. I see more clearly that my being home alone and all the horizons that opened up inside of me resemble an adventure on the high seas more than I gave it credit for while the guys were away. So the adventure for me was being unleashed from female roles that seem to cling to me like comfortable old clothes, when the males are nearby. They don't even have to drop a gauntlet for me to come to attention seeking the ways that I can make their return easier and more comfortable. Stephen says he's blown away. The feel of the house...the stability of the bathroom....the comfort of our bed...everything seems altered because he's altered. Yet I find I'm altered too. Somehow, this time that has passed...wide open and all mine....unstructured and all mine...nourishing and all mine...this time has entered my awareness and comes like a pause before my automatic pilot kicks in. I notice when I dish myself up some yogurt and rhubarb that Stephen has a wee pout and his what about me look speaks to me of an expectation that I prepare his breakfast even though he insists he doesn't expect anything. I remind him where the fridge is. If he doesn't have the expectation...then who's expectation am I jumping to fulfill? Is it really just the depth of my conditioning that has me automatically picking up everyone's laundry? Offering to cook breakfast? And the realization I had after the empty space entered...was that mmmm...either Stevo has expectations that he's not going to own or my willingness to do for him without question has created the opponent with whom I wrestle. So maybe I'm talented at yet another skill I never noticed in myself before...shadowboxing.

Re-entry is a vulnerable time. Everything seems fresh and new and the seeds are planted for an evolution. It helps to keep in mind that as he is getting his balance coming home...I am regaining mine in relation to his return as well. Both of us have huge new skyscapes and seascapes and timescapes redefining our perspectives and we are both one step removed from our unconscious and automatic everyday awarenesses. As I realize the place my "efforts" stem from and bring them into some kind of gentle acceptance for release..I gain an understanding of where all of this pressure comes from. And I do believe it comes from myself.