CLOUDTALK

Last night the clouds were wild, billowing shapes that spoke to me of a new way of thinking. This photo evokes a breathing, blustery tree spirit blowing something to the wind...taking time to exhale...and there were dramatic pictures in the clouds no matter in what direction I looked. June 1st was an eye opener. It had been a week since I heard any word from my family sailing on the Carribean Sea. My last email was on May 26th indicating they were in Dominican Republic and bound for Turks and Caicos. The passage would be 24 hours. When June 1st dawned with no word from them and I received a note from Sam's girl, Cass indicating he had not been updating the Dirt Livingston as I believed, I suddenly became worried. I figured we should have heard something by Memorial Day at least. There was also a rip roaring thunder and lightening storm at 8 AM and I was out in my garden trying to give some protection to my newly planted tomatoes and cukes. The lightening was so close and so powerful that I ran like a scared little bunny into my burrow...leaving my plants to fend for themselves. Of course I thought...what kind of gardener just lets nature take her course? Gardening is about cultivating certain plants over others in a defined space. If I don't control what I can control, then I'm not doing my job. These are the thoughts that set up my day. You may have noticed they are somewhat self critical. Anyway...while I was eating my lunch, Fed Ex delivered a photo book I had made to honor the time I spent with my family in Antigua before they set sail on their manly adventure. I sat and slowly leafed through the book fondly reminded of wonderful moments we shared. Seeing their faces and the Carribean environment and suddenly I am afraid they are lolling about in a boat with no wind and they've run out of food and water. Clearly, I need to call the Coast Guard, and get a fix on their location even if I am unable to communicate with them. So I call. The woman petty officer I spoke with told me the weather had been pretty good and that there was really sketchy connection for any kind of wireless communication in the islands. She also told me most people who report concern for recreational sailing vessells, hear from their loved ones within a few hours. I assured her I wasn't in a panic and that my gut was telling me they were safe but that I was concerned. What if they had something break? She said she'd look into it but it would likely be a day or two before I heard anything from them because everything moves slowly...mmmm. One of those time warps...or a culture that doesn't consider time to be that important. If I live my life with an eye to the passage of time, where is my full attention? On how much time is passing. No wonder I have a chronic sense of waiting. My life is passing by me while I wait for some future event that I have no control over...this habit mixed with my self critical thinking simmers in a stew pot spiced with worries and what ifs. How can that meal nourish happiness or joy when I've hung those up on someonelse's coat peg and I'm sitting around waiting for them to find me. Can there be any wonder why I'd just as soon lose my mind. Its all jammed up with whirling debris and a vortex of self defeating voices. Sssshhhh. Thats what the tree spirit seems to say. Shuussshhh up! Or maybe it is the Cowardly Lion speaking his word into the Universe. Courage. Courage to speak my heart...courage to listen to my heart...courage to let go of the self sabotaging mind sets of my past.

After I spoke with the guys, I went outside to sit on the porch and listen to the birds. I looked out over the mountains to see what appeared to be the shaping of a funnel cloud over the White mountains. I heard the sound of rocks beating the roof and when I looked in the grass there were hailstones the size of golf balls. Ouch. My poor garden. Now that I stopped worrying about my family, I was back to worrying about my tomatoes and cukes. This is just crazy. If life isn't handing me something to worry about, I'm creating things for my mind to worry about. When I went outside to take photos of the exquisite skyscapes surrounding my house yesterday, I stepped into an uncanny sense of peace. Today was not my day to lose my family or myself in the whimsical winds of change. I give thanks for that. And when I look at my selected skyscape now, I feel the cloud formation telling me to...breathe....let it all out...let it go...take this empty moment and exhale. No worries.