Garden Gifts

I am a dual person. For some bizarre reason, Creation has seen fit to give me a shadow with a voice. This means that any choice I make in life sets up a contrapuntal dialogue that can easily escalate into a fullblown argument. This is a truth I am learning only now. I cringe at the amount of energy that has been wasted in conflict with myself. How do whole countries do it? I've tried to wrestle my Otherness into submission...silence the duplicity into Oneness...and I've even believed at times that I've succeeded only to find the subterranean layers of myself quaking and bursting with repressed energy that I thought I had put away once and for all...like the radioactive waste that we humans try to hide from ourselves and our children that seeps out full of destructive intent revealing the original sin of our intellectual premise...that we humans rule the world. That one light or one thoughtform stands powerful over all may be a weed rooted in our Garden. And rather than feed it, nurture and encourage it...I'm rebelling. No. Out, out damn spot...the violence of that one basic notion is the taproot of a very toxic weed. I've discovered quite by accident, that the better way to rule the kingdom, both inner and outer, is to gently preside over...and to curtail the habit of hovering. Last year the growing conditions were ideal...lots of hot sun and frequent meaningful showers but much watering had to be done due to dryness. It was a wonderful year for putting your faith in the natural tendency of life to take care of itself. I talked up a good performance but all the while, I was secretly hovering over my garden filled with worry and doubt...Stephen was recovering from a huge major surgery and I had put all my eggs in one basket...I made my garden my sole focus and I learned...like parenting Sam (our firstborn) for the first 2 years of his life...that a gardener/mother can over do a good thing...too much focus and attention on one young life can create an atmosphere of over dependence...like watering the garden too much...and the results are that the tender growing things don't have a strong sense of "I can do it myself". Too much help sets up a need for harsh situations to restore the balance. Sam went to the school of hard knocks to temper the damage created by overzealous mothering. Will, on the other hand, had the words to wake me up..."I'll do it...I'll do it...I'll do it." That was his 2 year old mantra. This year I hear my plants singing the same song. A deep well placed watering does more than a daily moistening to encourage strong deep rooted growth. The same goes for kids. Sometimes you have to leave them in a pickle of their own making so they can develope the muscle necessary to feel confident within themselves at their ability to cope. It's hard to let them falter. It's hard to see the tender green shoots sitting in a dry soil and wilting under the lack of water...but they know they can do without if they get a chance to test that muscle...and after they've had a good drink, they return more robustly than ever.

Stephen's journey left me to do without for 5 weeks. I had some needed soul food in spending time alone with my shadow. There was nobody to put any of my baggage onto and "it all came back to me". Perhaps I woke up to parts of myself I had attributed to Stephen...some good ones...some not so great. I developed daily rituals that strengthened my creative expression and my sense of self sufficiency. I exercised daily. Me and my shadow got into a beat.When Stephen returned, the first thing that went out the window was my new routine. And the question arose...what is important here? Do I become a tyrant over myself and rule the kingdom with an iron fist...furthering my lonliness? Or do I resist the tendency to tamp down creative impulses and urges for self care by gently presiding over my inner/outer garden with a sense of faith that all will balance out in time. If I am flexible and yielding in marriage, I must also be flexible and yielding in my relationship with my shadow. That's the secret. Keep the dialogue going between me and my resistance by keeping the door open to the complexity of the discourse of marriage. Such a juggling act...so many voices to coordinate in the chorus. Thank goodness I have this awesome garden telling me how to take care of things. This garden gives me more than food. It gives me food for thought and soul food to boot. And you can't buy that in the grocery store.