And here it is...the last day of 2011. I want to write a blog post that is light, uplifting...a prayer for all to be embraced by the natural peace and well-being so generously provided by the Wild Earth Mother. I want to say something original...something important. But alas...I'm feeling sad and ineffective, small and weak and flooded with emotion. I'm just so sick of waiting for things to be right...the weather, the snow. the skiing. The conditions around my sister and my mother and all the mayem in their lives resulting from the escalating need for her care. Nothing is ever going to be right. That's what I think. Or maybe the pervading sense of waiting for things to be right just needs to be replaced by the possibility that things are just right in all their imperfection. Christmas was a sweet round of family branches constellated against a true blue sky. It all went beautifully. There was warmth and merriment...a sense of being blessed to have another Christmas with Mom...and yet one sister remained distant and the other was diagnosed with breast cancer. The day we left Salem, there were some tense moments exchanged and emotions spilled over the riverbanks. The situation continues to darken. I look at my sister who is shouldering most of the daily care of my Mom and I see myself...my pattern of doing too much and being so caught by details and feeling soley responsible for things that I close out the chance of receiving help. Yep. Thats me folks. Her behaviour and some of her words trigger me and I am aware of feeling like no matter what I offer it is never enough. I'm back in high school being scolded for being an underachiever and believing the guidance councellor who told me not to bother applying to any schools other than Salem or Bridgewater State. That person...the Lisa of high school...is not helpful in this senario of 2011. Apparently I say things that trigger my sister as well. And as our amygdalas are spazzing out in the juices of childhood emotion, we are making the moment even harder to deal with. I think if anyone stole Christmas this year...it was that damn amygdala. And I am determined to break the cycle because I want my sister to know I am on her team. Can I see the branch that is me or are we woven into family dynamic so tightly that I can't quite tell where her emotions begin and mine unconciously hook in? This is a case of coming undone. We are unravelling a lifelong tapestry of childhood emotional patterns...or I am anyway. And it isn't a good time. My youngest sisters cancer diagnosis isn't great timing either. For Mom, we are all in this together and yet we each have a heaping plate of our own crapola to navigate.
This morning as we had our coffee, Stephen and I were talking about all that happened over 2011. It wasn't a year that I'd like to repeat and yet there were some fine blessings to be sifted for from the sand and ash. One was that we were even having coffee together. I said..Gee. I should pull out my journal and read what I was hoping to let go of, what I hoped to achieve and see how I measured up. Stephen said...mmmm...if your going to do that be sure to look at all that happened that wasn't planned...wasn't on your list. That comment was said with such love. He knows me. He knows how hard I can be on myself. I thought about that comment and it moved me. He's right of course. Instead of looking at my list and seeing how I fell short...I could look at the big picture and see how I rose to the occaision. If life is what happens when your busy making plans...then damn it...let me open up to it and stop waiting for the perfect moment...the perfect conditions...the end of the holidays...next spring...or when the snow comes.
If I keep looking right...for the right this or the right time or the right job or the right friendship, then I'll just keep spinning in a circle of inactivity. If I want to write, I better get going and take what time is left.
So on this last day of 2011, I have learned that if I want to accomplish something next year...I better start to include the unknown in my plans because there is me, my list...all in my head...and then there is whats happening. Maybe instead of looking at reality as a wrestling match...I could learn how to dance. And that requires me to slow down...lie in the grass and stare up at the tapestry of trees against a blue sky and wonder how it lives there like my family lives in my heart. Wishing everyone a 2012 full of Natures' blessings and the strength to roll with her storms.
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