BENEATH THE SURFACE

The sun is bright and warm today and there is a waterfall coming down from the roof as some serious melting gets underway. I am nursing my bum knee and after yesterdays slush storm turned to ice, I am experiencing the nameless dread in relation to the surfaces that I would have to master were I to venture out. I braved the storm yesterday to see the doctor and twinged my knee no less than a dozen times just walking through parking lots and taking the pup out to pee. First there was snow...then pouring rain for a whole day and then more snow and of course a return to sleet and freezing rain. The surface appeared to be snow and ice but when I stepped on it...my foot sank and slid sideways so every other step was a potential knee-tweaking. I went home and stayed put. But the conditions got me thinking about surfaces and whether or not they can be trusted. Our eyes see very little of what is beyond the surface and reflecting the light. And our minds want us to believe all their fears and practicalities and logical reasonings. If I believed just what my eyes see or what my mind tells me, I wouldn't be here now. I certainly wouldn't still be married and I certainly wouldn't have a 5 month old puppy. So there is something under the surface of things that speaks in a language that only my heart can hear. March is a month of wild weather whimsy and vascillating temperatures. It is the early morning of the year when the increases in light are measurable. The trees are done popping and living things are beginning to move in the woods and my house is full of those damn ladybugs.(I never thought I'd develop an attitude towards ladybugs but these ones bite and they swarm the sunlit windows). Looking out the window, it appears to be full on winter but walking in the woods shows me buds on the trees. Any day now, Stephen will tap the maples...and our early spring ritual of distilling the sweetness will bring our hearthfire outdoors for the first time since November. Under the bark of slumbering trees a movement begins and we need to be ready for it. Last year, the sap run began in mid-February. We were in such denial that the time was upon us, that we missed the first three weeks of the run. We believed our minds telling us that March is the month... like every other year, when in fact all signs pointed to a rare February run. Oh well...we learned.

These days, I am chewing on the bone of ...What's beneath the surface? Winter is visible but I am listening to the fattening of my asparagus and garlic in my dreams. The trees appear to slumber but their rich sweetness is already starting to perk...and what of my love? This year passed has been so focused on supporting Stephen through his healing process; growing and putting up homegrown foods and caring for our mothers...and its all been done with an edge of urgency and fear. My outer surface has been wearing an outfit that represents a corporate institution that lies to the public and pretends to care and in wearing that outfit, I have chosen to give that reality my support when beneath the surface, I am not a supporter. As the seasons begin their change, I want to focus on the deeper root of my own truth. While I hold to my truth, let the glisten and shimmer of winter's crusty cover begin to melt and lend its fluids to what lies beneath. I will not sit here writing with ice on my knee while my pot of savory soup burns. Oh no. Not again.