28 years ago today, I gave birth to myself as a mother...and to a beautiful manchild who has become a human being that I feel honored to know in the deepest possible way. I remember the morning he was born. I had a long back labor and had been working with the pains since the morning before. I reached transition and found myself quite beside myself. I had opted for a birth center birth and in so doing, opted out of using drugs to help manage the pain. I became a person I wasn't familiar with...I swore, growled, grunted like a bear. I was demanding and wanted Stephen to constantly press on my back. I begged for a ceasarian because the other women had been taken across the street to the hospital. It was a busy night...with 4 of us giving birth. I was the only woman who managed to deliver naturally that day. I have read about some of the tribal women giving birth silently. It was bad luck for the mother to expose her difficulty with pain to her child. I sure hope it isn't the case...but back as a new mother, I feared my swearing and screaming might have a negative impact. I never felt real fear till I had a child. And the mind can become very active imagining all kinds of things that might happen if...Being a new mother was like rock climbing...hanging on to the edge for dear life, getting stuck in certain positions, fearing the fall. I was in a constant state of hyper alert. As I began the work of pushing this baby's head through the birth canal, my Mom stopped by on her way to work at a local bakery. She hadn't wanted to be present for the birth thinking she didn't want to see me in pain. But she stopped...and she came in and kissed my feet. A few minutes later, Sam emerged with a name we hadn't chosen. Once he was safely delivered and the pain was done, I experienced a week long high...feeling like I could do anything on earth. I felt truly powerful...deeply capable in my body and my heart...but incredible mental fears began to slowly grow like weeds. When Sam was a few months old, Stephen and I were walking beside Jackson Falls in the spring and the falls were ripping. Stephen was carrying him and I was nearly paralyzed with fear as he scampered around like a goat beside the rushing water. Eventually, the highest high gave way to the lowest low...the postpartum thing hit me like a brick upside the head. In truth, I have struggled with depression several times in my life...mostly hormonal but a few deep losses also prepared the soil for a fully flowered depression. It is truly the only regret I have in life...the days that were lost to negative thinking, the moments I couldn't fully participate in the love of my family and friends. Having lunch in the car with my 28 year old son last week while a seagull sat on the hood of my car begging like a dog for bits of sandwich, we talked about so many things...things that matter. We talked about his grandmothers, their aging process, the stress of their loss of capabilities, the ability to manifest dreams. He shared a video of a TED talk with Jill Bolte Taylor discussing the right and left brain, the feeling of having a stroke, the difference in the functions of the 2 brains. We cried a little and we talked about music. One of the interesting likenesses we share is the artists soul and sensitivities and the challenge of scheduling time for the making of money yet making sure there is creative time for self expression too. Sam and the video both described a sense of being big huge energies being pressed into small human bodies. I share that feeling and I can't describe the joy in my heart when I realized after all these years of saying "Sam...I think we need to talk"...and having him hold his hands over his ears or moan and groan saying.."No Mom...not another talk."...that here he was, talking to me...understanding me...and visa versa. He gave me a great gift. He listened, he heard, and best ...he understood from his own deep heart. I just adore my 2 adult men. They hear me with their hearts. I can stop struggling with words and explanations and the weight of guidance and move on from the feeling of being ole misunderstood Mom who's always making mountains out of molehills... and get in to my heartspace ...where a mother's main brain has always been. So Happy Birthday to me as a mother. I'm proud of the job I did. I'm delighted I chose to intuit my way through rather than read all the how to books. In hind sight I see that I made many solid choices and did all I could to bring up men who are good human beings. And Happy Birthday to Sam...I hope you see that music is an essential purpose in your life and that even if youre currently split...one half to make money to live on and one half to protect some creative time for continuing your music...you are in the process of weaving your selves together and soon a time will come when your passion will become your livlihood and there will be no stopping you.
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