MAKING LIGHT

Light changes everything. When the clocks go back and the day darkens long before supper, and the people sensitive to the short light begin to feel sad for "no reason"...there is no switch to turn it up or on or make it burn because you want it to. Or can you? I often think about the nature of light. It makes a skyscape holy or a night sky eerie and mysterious. Light brings colors alive and makes us feel like jumping out of bed. Sometimes the way the light touches our surroundings makes it seem like spirits are present or like God is reaching down through the clouds with lightfingers to give us a hand. Light is the way you look at something too. If you consider a certain issue one day under a certain light, you read it a particular way and if you look at it another day, under a different light...a problem's solution becomes visible. Artists revel in light play and a great artist can portray the magic of light for everyone to see and appreciate. I wish I had been born an artist. I just adore the creative process and find in it, my most resonant example of the sacred spirit that lightens my burdens as I make my way through life. Light is the shining light as well as the lifting of weight or the setting of flame. It is fleeting. Momentary. Everchanging. And changing everything. A camera is my friend and gives me the opportunity to catch the slant of light or the refraction that casts a pink spell over my heart. If I can't capture the unique and passing beauty of a certain light in art...in paint or drawing...at least the camera gives me a tool to share my vision with others. I use it gratefully. It has captured an image that has captured my imagination that has captured knowledge that has shed light on how I read the deeper meaning of my life. In seeking light I find insight. In making light, I find I can let go of baggage that weighs heavy on my shoulders. In appreciating light, I am better able to see and funnily enough...I am better prepared to feel a sense of comfort in the darkness because it is really just another transitory state of light...or no light. When life brings the ultimate challenge to sit on my lap, I no longer despair. That...my friends...is a huge change. I hope it has something to do with age. Because if it does...then aging becomes something of a treasure. I am watching my 86 year old mother navigate her end of life and I am horrified by the prospect of being in the same state some day. I encounter a crouching coward in my heart who prays for a quick end at a not too old age so I can be spared of the indignity of feeble old age. I don't want my sons to have to help me to the bathroom. I don't want to become lost and confused and befuddled by daily tasks. I may not be brave enough. And yet my mother laughs at herself. She roars over her confusion and weeps with mirth at the twists and turns of her injured brain. She has become so dear...and her great gift is that she takes herself lightly and that makes people want to spend time with her reminding her of what she's doing and where she's going. Just when her condition tempts a response of despair, she has come up with a certain slant of light...and she is laughing. Now thats a light I would like to turn on in my darkness.

There is a tunnel and through it shines a light. I used to see the portal as a spinning eddy of water pulling me down and under. It's nature was to pull me deep into darkness and depression...despair and decay. Youth is a time when we take ourselves so seriously and I found myself deep in a dark doom reality more times than I care to recall. Aging changes the slant of light and one learns to change the frame...my portal has become more of a doorway and sure enough...it opens to a broad expanse of light that feels warm and welcome and energy giving and all I need to do to lighten my load...to turn on the lights...to see things differently...is to walk through. Maybe it could be that easy. I am a grateful daughter. I am even grateful for the gift of time to spend with my mother ...brain injured or not. The love is unconditional. My gratitude is huge. Now...instead of a swirling eddy of darkness sucking me into my grief, I am swimming in a pool of light. By choosing to focus on that light, I amp it up. I turn it on. I step into the light. How bout you Mom? Wanna join me?