Cardinal Rules

The cardinal dresses in vibrant red and grazes in the grass, unconcerned that he stands out like a sore thumb. He shows up like a herald of hope, a swatch of brilliance and then he's off again to who knows where. His lifestyle is baggage free and his purpose is unquestioned. He leaves barely a footprint...and his housing is for breeding purposes only...made of all natural materials that dissappear when the fall winds blow. He is a favorite for Christmas cards and there is no mistaking his confident and persistant song, clear and melodious. I love the cardinal. I love the bright male boldness against the green of grass or the white of fresh fallen snow. But the gentle colored female is something really special with her soft peach colored underwings and her colorful orange beak. Her dusky peach helps her blend in with the background but her song is as loud and clear as the male. She may recede into the background with her muted colors and quietly nurture her young but she sure can sing. I recently went to Salem for a visit with my Mom. We spend alot of time reminiscing on the porch about our life as a young family at the house in Salem. We were so lucky to have a double sized lot...a true oasis in the center of the city. Mom is happy there. She's been there for 48 years and she fully intends to breathe her last breath in that house...most likely in her chair or who knows...maybe even quietly rocking on the front porch. We marvel together at the size and variety of trees. When I was a little girl of 10, I would seek solitude from the intrusions of my 4 sisters by climbing the pine tree in the front yard. I would climb to the top of the tree and I would begin to sing quietly to myself...camp songs, negro spirituals, and eventually the songs I heard on the Golden Oldie hour as I listened to the radio before going to sleep. I had a knack for remembering lyrics and I knew lots of songs. As I sang, my voice would grow louder until I was belting out my songs at the top of my lungs. Gosh...that felt good. No wonder the birds sing their hearts out. It's got to be good heart medicine. I wish I had done it more but by high school, I learned my voice was unpleasant...at least thats the message I got when year after year I tried out for Glee Club and year after year I was rejected. All I wanted was to sing. Schools did alot to kill my creative spirit and I have spent my whole life trying to keep that wild spirit alive and healthy. Sometimes it requires so much effort that I lose heart. And I lose heart because some piece of myself remembers all the critical words and before someonelse can use them on me, I use them on myself and talk myself right out of whatever creative endeavor is growing like a seed in my heart. My Mom loved me and she did her best to parent well. But I had frequent nosebleeds that they say indicates a soul who is bleeding for the need of love and attention. I grew up letting my body ask for attention because I really didn't know how to verbalize what I needed. It's strange...but for all the words I use in talking and writing, I am still inadequate when it comes to asking for what I need in the way of love and attention. Instead, I let the stiffness move from my hand up into my neck until I can't fully turn my head before I get a massage. I get sick when what I really need is rest. And worst of all I get angry when I'm deeply sad, pushing love away when I need it most. Thank goodness Stephen knows me and manages to see through my veneer of angry bravado...though sometimes I do frighten him away. I guess God isn't finished with me yet. But I'm getting pretty frustrated trying to get past myself. I cherish the time I have with Mom and while I visited with her this time, a cardinal was hanging around the base of the pine tree where I used to sing. He was there pretty much the whole weekend dosing me up with his brilliant red color and telling me to go ahead and sing my song...and sing it loud and sing it clear and sing it now. So I have made for myself a Cardinal Rule...Thou shalt sing from the treetops and thou shalt do it daily...and I will set that in stone.